Vows

The first days, weeks, months, year, even years of marriage
the vows
are pretty straightforward.
Traditional.
Standard issue.
An open book test.
Printed on the back of the box
so to speak
Highly memorizable

All together now (motions with hands like symphony conductor)

Have.
Hold.
Love.
Cherish.
Better/worse
Richer/poorer
Sickness/health
Til death do you part.
Cleave unto.
Et cetera.

Plus

there are the
unspoken ones,
your version and mileage may vary
each marriage being its own wacky ecosystem,
alien, foreign to any on the outside
but to generalize,
to paint with an intentionally broad brush,
the other, unspoken vows

Laugh.
Share.
Flirt.
Choose us
but allow space too.
Work at it.
Navigate the new and unknown.
Listen
Benefit of the doubt¹
Sex.
Practice patience.
(Patience was not deliberately placed right after sex.
But, again, your mileage may vary.)
Forgive.

Years go on

The vows
evolve?

Nearing on 20 years for my own marriage
I look around
at the 60somethings
the 70somethings
still together
as Shania sang
still going strong

I don’t know
what it’ll be like
who we’ll be then

Those 60- and 70-somethings
are my closest guess
my nearest projection

my ideas
for evolved, post-20-year vows?

Laugh (and throw in some new jokes now & then)
Share, now with more tears!
Flirt, maybe more than before.
Choose us
but allow space also
Have the other’s back, even when you “don’t”
Let you be you and me be me
Look for the good
Sex, even if it’s (wince) scheduled sometimes
Walk
Read
Try to remember that the other person has, in fact, driven a car before.
Stay curious
LISTEN
Be present
Create a failsafe codeword that can act as a killswitch when one of us starts saying crazy, unhinged, off-the-rocker, old-person crap in public.
Practice patience
(Patience was not deliberately placed right after the idea of
one of you saying something insane in public.
But, again, your mileage may vary.)
Forgive.
Make sure I don’t leave the house with a verdant and scraggly forest of unwieldy ear and/or nose hair.
Bake.
Remember thoughtfulness—notes, gratitude, “I was just thinking of you” stuff.
Buy (and use) ample air fresheners to avoid that dreaded and inevitable
Old Person House smell that, not unlike a dog whistle, only Young Person Nostrils can smell (and can they ever)
Keep dreaming.
Live.
Laugh.
Love.

Ah, crap
that took a sharp turn
smack dab into the middle of
Hobby Lobby’s home decor aisle.
Next thing you know
I’d be vowing to
dance like no one’s watching
keep calm
&
carry on,
or
any number of
“hand-painted”
on a distressed
wooden sign:
IN THIS HOUSE WE __________
Pinterest-y platitudes
you know the ones,
IN THIS HOUSE WE:
…leave room for dessert, love deeply, believe in science, do messy, love big, hug often, do real talk, love dogs, never give up, root for the Utah and anyone playing BYU, boo fascism, dance in the kitchen, say thank you….

…you get the point

Where was I?

1. a guy I know calls this API (assume positive intent)